Maybe I just need to cut the crap out of my life. Surround myself with people who love and care for me. Not the ones who lash out on a bad day, then think a simple sorry is going to fix it. I take words to heart. To a point where I spend many sleepless nights pacing the floors.

My fears have paralyzed me. Here I am, eightteen years old, and I cannot drive. I'm terrified of it. It's like at that moment, I choose to get tunnel vision. I don't know what's going on. I can't act correctly. Everything freezes and I can hear my heart thumping in my ears.

I mean, yes, I think of death and suicide on a daily basis. Not actually doing it. I haven't felt like ending it all in some time. Maybe it's the love of the Victorians in me. The death thing, I mean. Or how it's portrayed in literature. Or maybe I'm just a hyperthinker. Things that are on a rare basis for people is frequent with me.

I don't feel like organizing my room. I don't care what my mother argues, it's just like a never ending cycle I don't feel like starting. I don't see a point in organizing my room because it isn't going to do much for me. If I want to organize, you have to wait for me to come around to do it. I can't do it on your watch. It has to be mine, or I will feel very resentful. Especially when during these "times" she abandons me to her cellphone. Just turn it off. Tell the relatives you need to do something other than listen to their problems. How many problems can surface every five minutes, honestly?

Hell, I don't feel like playing my video games anymore. I just want to stare at a blank screen and forget. Or maybe a colored screen. Something pretty to look at... Either way, I've pretty much lost all interest in everything. My appetite's gone. I'm just eating out of instinct at this rate. After all, you need food in the system. I have to function somehow.

I sleep too much. Apparently I'm fat, too. My BMI tells me different, but apparently to everyone else, I'm just too fat for them. It's starting to drive me absolutely bonkers.

Everyone just shut up. Please. Leave me alone so I can figure out what I have to do.

There's something about social networking that confuses me. And this isn't light confusion. I spent most of my highschool career avoiding people and only being nice to a select group that didn't bother me or creep me out. Highschool was a pretty painful experience for me. I was depressed often and felt pretty caged.

I used to go to a performing arts school. I was a theatre major. I'll let the female claws come out. Most of those in my theatre class were pretty much pimples on the earth's prosterior. They were trashy and, frankly, had no business to be in that acting class. "I picked theatre arts because I didn't want to go to my local highschool." Um...Thanks.

Thanks for making my life pretty hellish for a good three or four years because you couldn't handle a public school. I came to a performing arts school to have a more enriching experience as a slowly budding actor. I love acting. It's a passion in my life. It's as big as a passion as my love of gothic lolita and the French Revolution. If I could get a job on Broadway, singing and dancing, I would be a very happy person for the rest of my life. I would. I mean it.

When people like that discover you on facebook because it's the cool thing to do to friend your entire highschool, you probably are like me. You probably take a lot of pride in slamming down that ignore button as I do. I hated these people and I'm kinda amused when I hear bad things down the grape vine. "Oh can you believe so and so did such and such?" No, and do you think you really wanna give me ammo like that? Then again, these people know I don't like that group. I suspect they do it to have someone to vent to. Sometimes a negative mindset about someone can really make you feel better when it is shared in others.

Personally, I enjoy finding those people who fell by the wayside. It's those people you'd forget to look for while making a profile on a networking site, and then all of a sudden they find you. It's great. These people remembered you enough through highschool to actually give a whirling hoot about you. Even for five seconds.  It does make me ask myself, wow, what kind of impact did I make on you for you to want to friend me?

Besides the whole, friending your entire highschool is awesome mindset some people have.

I'm off to accept a friend request from someone. We never talked much, but they seemed very nice. Good people, yo'. Good people.

Yeesh. Everyone's gotten on their soap box about the Jon and Kate thing. Guess it was high time I was going to, too. But no. It isn't me defending or chastising either of them. Frankly, they're both acting like horrid little kids and could learn something from their own children how to treat each other. I digress.

The Kate hate has put something in perspective for me. It seems in this time, right now, the vast majority of Americans seem to side with the man instead of the woman. Yeah. Seriously. I think Americans have some pent up rage against single mothers or women divorcing with children. Perhaps we've been conditioned into such due to the media. The whole wicked stepmother or abusive mother thing is everywhere. Then you've got the whore and golddigger achievement that women get too.

There was a recent case where an American father was jailed after kidnapping his own kids. This was in Japan. His ex moved back home to Japan after the divorce. At first, the couple and the two children were living in Japan. After he moved to the states with her, yeah, divorce. Yadda yadda. She takes off with the kids. Father goes after them and tries to kidnap them back. Father's girlfriend cries about how the Japanese are horrible people to have done that and that the mother is crazy. Let's just say reader commentary matched the same "WAAAA" song.

Um. Alright. I can't sympathize for the guy. You move out of your wife's home country and back to your's and you suddenly want a divorce? Yo. Fishy, man. FISHY. And to not expect for her to want custody AND to return to her homeland... Something is wrong. Then you go back to the country just to abduct your kids? Yeah. And everyone's calling the mother every word in the book about it when no one is getting the full story. Was he abusive? Manipulative? Because some things don't add up here.

Seeing the sort of bitterness towards that woman who was probably only trying to do what she felt was right and safe for her kids is kinda disgusting. Yes, Japanese really need to fix their laws on that. They're wonky as anything. Adoption has to be fixed too. But you know what? Even in the states, I see more mothers with custody than fathers. And I think that has indeed become a source of pent-up rage.

I kinda dread what the Balloon Boy's mother is going to go through. Are we, as American men and women, looking down on the mother figure? Especially in times of stress? I think we are. We can't seem to say much nice stuff.

That's why I bring up Jon and Kate. The Kate hate's kinda insane. Let's look at the full picture. There's Jon. There's Kate. There's eight kids. You watch the shows? Let's sum it up. Kate likes control. Jon doesn't always take control. Kate gets bitchy like a normal female woman. Jon...floats. Jon also doesn't seem to be as hypervigiliant as a parent normally is, so that threw up warning signs for me, too. Yet...he's the one who got caught cheating and public and you're gonna blame Kate.

For acting like the average American mother? She's got multiples! She can't be sunshine and rainbows all the time!

Like I said, they're both not handling things well now, but I'm not gonna blame Kate and call her every name in the book. I don't know the full details and they're likely just as murky as that abduction case.

So yes. Women hatred. Hate against mothers. Single mothers, in particular. I think we've got that. And that's not particularly healthy...

Guess who got her shipment of gothic lolita clothing? Guess who is enjoying pairing up the frilly tops with really simple jeans? And guess where that nice leather smell is coming from? New shoes? Oh you bet.

Apparently. You order from Japan and when they say you're getting it on a Tuesday, they mean TUESDAY FOR THEM.

Either way, I've tried on every piece of clothing and realized I am a pretty tiny person. Everything fits perfectly with a bit of extra breathing room. So apparently I am the size of an average, Asian woman. That kinda makes me feel sad as an American and as a Scotswoman. I'm sort of disgracing my countries by being a petite pixie. But...I finally found some nice looking clothes, so I'm not complaining too much.

...Mmn. I can smell the new shoes from across the room. Red leather shoes. Oh they're cute, too. Maybe I'll get a picture up tomorrow if I can find white stockings or tights...I smell a trip to Wal-mart. Sort of like I smell an impending trip to the Asian Supermarket due to my mother's obsessive consumption of green tea. One hundred tea bags for three bucks? She was on that like a starving lion on a sickly gazelle. It's the only place she can find green tea that's cheaper... It's the only place where I can find cheap produce! Heh. Least she's enjoying it.

She's hard to please, but then again, she's got a funny streak. Apparently she loved my Red Death costume, inspired from The Masque of Red Death, a lot and is asking for me to bring it back. All I need is to replace the eight year old dress boots that I pretty much totalled. Mmnhm. Those beauts lasted eight years. Was great for Christmas parties...and being an evil being about to kill a really stuck-up snobby rich guy. Yeaaaah. You can't hide from Red Death. He'll get you.

Anyway.

...Still loving that smell. Aaaaah...Leatherrrrrr.

What I have of these clothes though, I 'll think I'll be okay with for a while. The long sleeves can come off if I adjust them. And they're so frilly and comfy... I'm in heaven.

I've discovered the joys of international shopping. Yeah. I can hear you now. Isn't shipping expensive? Yes and no. So far, after ordering a few packages from Japan, I've realized that yes, shipping is a little expensive, especially if you're ordering a large package. However, it's not gonna break the bank. If you pay with paypal, sometimes they require you to use a specific shipping or sommat.

I dunno. A website explained it to me. I forget. Anyway.

Ordering from Japanese sellers has been a joy for me. Packages are shipped almost immediately and get to the other side of the globe in a matter of days. My newest package coming in would be an order from the gothic lolita company BODYLINE. I've already tracked my item for sometime now. It is currently four in the morning in Hong Kong, where my package has just left. Which is funny. I didn't order express shipping. I got the cheapest option possible!

When I ordered my yukata from Sakura, I was pleasantly surprised to get my very very large order in only a few days. Everything was wrapped nicely and securely. I recieved a free hair clip, which is really cute, for my order. The shop is run by Yuzo Mishima. He enclosed a small paper with the company's sort of tagline...then sent me a small, personal note. The personal touch was very nice.  It was a great shopping experience and I will be purchasing from him again... And y'all should too. Great quality yukatas for dirt cheap. Yes. Shipping is gonna bite you if you have a big order. But honestly? These yukata are BEAUTIFUL. I tried mine on, actually! Here's what I look like!

I totally need to work on my dressing myself in my yukata aspect, but... I -really- like it. And it was only around $50. Great thing about Sakura is that they have a lot of gorgeous yukata on CLEARANCE. Especially right now! Go go go! If you don't want to wear it, they make beautiful wall hangings, too. ^_^

Of course, I've ordered from others... The very sweet Rika Arima from Love Ghibli was a doll to do business with. If you like Studio Ghibli and are looking for a specific piece, or if you're a collector of all Ghibli... This is the store to head to. I bought a bento box with a Kiki's Delivery Service design. It had been out of production for a year or so now... I couldn't find it anywhere. Not on eBay. Not on any other stores. But Love Ghibli had one in stock! I snatched it up pretty quickly! While it took a bit to clear my payment (one week), Rika sent out the item immedately after and I recieved it in three days! Okay...four considering that my entire hometown was flooded and nothing was going in or out. Either way! Very speedy shipping! When I opened my package, it was wrapped in a few layers of bubble wrap and pretty paper to keep it protected in transit. Rika also left me a note with...a little Totoro origami attached. I really really like the personal touches. It's very sweet and seems to show the customer you care!

Either way, I got the bento of my dreams! I was so happy!

So...maybe you've wondered about ordering from Japan...or...maybe you just wanted to hear someone else's experience. I say, go for it. Arm yourself with paypal, go forth, and grab what you've wanted. Just...remember the shipping. It's not always painful. Just make sure you do your math!

Websites discussed:

Sakura yukata and kimono market - www.kimono-yukata-market.com/index.html
Love Ghibli -loveghibli.ecrater.com/

Wow, I forgot about my poor wee live journal. Well, stuff's been chaotic. I'm now in college. I am searching for that significant other of the male species to make my weak, feminine heart pitter patter in joy...

Yeah. Dorky. That's the point.

I'm taking an acting classes. Next week is the last one. Tonight I was told I am a good actress. By an old acting veteran. Who does work at the theatre that the class is in. My squeeing had to be contained. It feels good. I got a lot of compliments tonight and it really makes me feel great about myself. Cause...I don't always feel so good or inspired. But tonight, I feel like with practice, I could be ready to run head first into the professional acting world.
 

As for the boyfriend search, when I was under the influence of a heavy painkiller to get rid of a migraine, I decided it would be hysterical to be perfectly honest and post my picture on the Yahoo!Personals. I didn't embelish a thing and I let them know I'm a crazy chick. All of my pictures are me without make up! From the short time it has been up, a few guys have sent me an icebreaker. I'll let you know how this continues later. But it is a good self esteem boost. And maybe I will find Mr. Right.

Or maybe Mr. Right will be that really cute guy I sit near in sociology class. He's Thai. And he's adopted. His name is Keenan. And he's going to school for teaching. Maybe, just maybe, he'll be single and interested. He's really nice and polite when he speaks to me, so... Not that he's interested. Just that he has manners. I like manners.

So this now-college student has been working her butt off. And gloating a bit. My ex-friend dropped out of a really high class college because there was "too much partying". Oh I'm basking in the joy that she cannot handle dorm life and had to come home. She nearly got a full ride to the college I wanted to attend and she threw it all away. Not to be very mean, but I think she couldn't handle the work. I remember many a night of her mother typing her essays for her in grade school. Not a lie. But...if you're going to be two-faced to a friend, I suppose it is karma. I don't talk to her anymore and I never do intend to again. She did a lot of nasty things and treated me badly, so this I guess is my just desserts.

I'm gonna relax. Tomorrow is sociology class. And I will be dolling myself up. I want to look pretty. Not even to impress that guy. Just because I feel wonderful about myself.

Let this be a note to you all. Do NOT talk to those selling the fake purses in Chinatown. They will rip you off. They will scam you. Woman that my mother and I were traveling with got supremely scammed. She wanted those tiny, illegal turtles. Well, illegal in NJ... I kinda think turtles are disgusting, in my honest opinion. So she got saddled with two turtles. One was dead. The water in their little carrying case was also filthy. We were lucky to find a sweet young woman who sold them in the back of her store. We replaced a turtle and she put cleaner water into the case. She also gave us turtle food.

Turns out she's a turtle enthusiast like the woman we went to NYC with.

Blargh, I say. FILTHY TURTLES. I kept laughing at the woman all day. "You've OBVIOUSLY been out of Philly too long if you got scammed in NYC."

Otherwise? I got bento gear. CUTE STUFF. Not ugly stuff. Really. Cute. Boxes. I should have bought two more, but decided not to. I also got some baran. New Kam Man is probably my favorite store... Oh. They also had the fruit drop candies I crave and can never find at my local Asian supermarket. Here's holding out for a day when I can move to New York and indulge my Asian urges in New Kam Man. My cousin even adores that store... She and I are Japanophiles... We also like Chinese food. The best Chinese food I have ever eaten has indeed been from Chinatowns. Though my favorite one is indeed in NYC... Next time, I think I will go to Chinatown with my cousin, instead. She appreciates Asian culture more...

TIMES SQUARE/BROADWAY

We indulged in some walking and shopping before the show... We went to The American Girl Doll Store. I had a near mental break down. It was crowded, but... There was all of my girlhood in one store. All of those dolls! If I had been able to go to a store like that when I was younger, I would have gotten so much more American Girl Doll stuff. My parents hated ordering from ANYTHING. Catalogues, interwebs. You name it. They hate ordering stuff. So I really didn't get much of those dolls. ^_^; I didn't get anything. I'm too old and too tall for that store...

Alright, total lie. I could have fit into a size 16 if the sleeves had been a bit bigger. They had like, super pretty sun dresses... My mom thought it was adorable that you could dress up like your doll. I've decided when my niecelet is five, I'll get her a Bitty Baby doll and a few outfits. When she's eight-ten range, then we'll be heading to that store for her to pick out her first American Girl Doll and a few accessories. I had these dolls when I was young...I think she should be able to have them, too. Same goes for if I ever have a daughter. She'll have those dolls. She'll also inherit my two dolls that I have.

Anyway. Also went to the M&M's Store after the show. It smelt like chocolate. My hate of chocolate showed. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. But my mom, ever the chocolate lover, went bonkers... It was hysterical. She had so much fun.

Next time, The Hello Kitty Store and I gotta show my mom Toys R' Us. Holy mother of GOD that place is huge. I went their once before. Just to look around. It was amazing. :)

THE FANTASTICKS

My new favorite show on Broadway. Wonderful. Everything was WONDERFUL. It was so nice. The music... And the actors were brilliant. It was much better than my school's production, as you could tell that these Broadway actors knew their craft and really made us believe everything was real. My school? It was sadly obvious you could tell those casted did not want to be there and hated performing. I really wish others were casted, but I at least know of one person in particular who probably bribed for their part. I wasn't able to get a part due to being in The Odd Couple as...Florence Unger. Yeah. Lead role. I was told by the cast I really helped to carry the play... I think that gave me a big head.

ANYWAY. El Gallo, The Mute, and Matt were very handsome men. Yes, this girl did swoon... Luisa was a surprise. I have never heard such a unique and beautiful voice sing such high parts so lovely... The Fathers, Mortimer, and Henry were hysterical. I laughed...so hard! It was a wonderful show. Totally worth seeing. After all, it is a musical staple! I will be back to see the Fantasticks again...

The Snapple Theatre, which is the little complex it is in, is kinda neat. We were in the Jerry Orbach Theatre. Jerry Orbach originated the role of El Gallo. I have his version of Try to Remember on my iPod.  Also bought the revival cast's CD. And I also have a tank top! It's purple and has The Fantasticks logo on it. I will eventually have every piece of merchandise in that place... Swear to all things good and just.


As a sum up? New York is wonderful. My dear cousin deserves a lot of thanks for helping us with the subway. Surprisingly enough, I found it cleaner and a less bumpy ride than the train in Philly.  You'd be so surprised. Random strangers start off nice little conversations with you. People seem happy there. Like, amazingly so. Most people were polite! I guess, perhaps, it is the tourists who are so rude... It was enjoyable. I'll be back AGAIN of course.

Now you may ask, as my philistine relatives did, "What's playing in Philly? Why don't you go there instead? It's closer and safer."

BITE ME.

You PHILLY PHAGGOTS. BITE ME. I HATE PHILADELPHIA. I hate the IGNORANT AND RUDE PEOPLE I have the MISFORTUNE TO MEET AND BE RELATED TO. I hate the fact that even in the intellectual parts of the city, where there are museums, theatres, and concert halls, I WATCH A NEAR SHOOTING. Two blocks from the intended theatre I was headed to! Oh yeah, I'm gonna go back to PHILLY. SUUUURE.

I've been to Philly and NYC about the same amount of times. I got to explore NYC a little more than Philly. I can say this. Not only did I feel safer in NYC, I didn't see a shady thing go down. And I sure did walk. Philly? I feel like I'm gonna get SHOT. All the PHRICKING time!

Ah yes. But my relatives. Ignorant relatives. "NYC is more dangerous."

How about you actually GO THERE before you make a judgement because seeing as you haven't BEEN THERE you really can't say, can you? Philly boasts, what, four? Five dead cops in a short amount of time? Yeah. I feel SOOOOO protected.

You know, I get it. Violence is everywhere. But after what I experienced in Philly, I am very reluctant to go back. I don't feel safe there. It's not like a mass of people and a mass of stores to attract tourists. It's just the theatre, then go home. If I'm in New York, it's a little more glitzy. Yeah, NYC has gone under some renovations, but you know what? I still feel safest in Times Square. In fact, I feel safer there than in my own hometown.

So shut up, Philly Phaggots. I'm tired of seeing tours. I'm gonna see the real thing and not be afraid to be mugged!

The icon and title are relevant to Beauty and the Beast. Yeah. Not my exact point, but music today is being a real mood indicator for me that maybe, my life has an internal playlist that someone has finally cracked.

I feel...calm. Safe. Super tired. But calm and safe. I feel like things are right. There is someone very special in my life again. Someone I know and care for dearly. Someone who has been able to soothe me with ease. Which is not easy. I am a hormonal woman.

I am very much feeling in love and possibly skidding into something because my feelings can finally take full bloom now. The fact is the special someone returns my feelings after I pulled a carpe diem sort of thing.

I do insist, dear readers, that you do "seize the day". Do something ballsy because it feels right. I did... I got a great deal of the absolute truth revealed to me and the feeling like I matter and belong.

This person...it is like they read my mind. And I can read their's. The songs I was sent were two songs on my iPod that I had happily listened to this morning and related to my situation. It's like we just understand. We've felt such sweet feelings between each other, but had to keep them so secret...

Most certainly something that wasn't there before.